HomeHumourGenealogyTech stuff

Crisis in the Health Service

The problem

It's hardly a secret that the UK has, over several years, seen the gradual degredation of the standard of care in the National Health Service. This is unsuprising in a system that relies so strongly on public funding, as the percentage of elderly people in the country has risen sharply in recent years. The elderly are non-tax paying and at greater risk of illness, whilst those who pay tax (of whom only a small percentage will work in a health care related job) are becoming an increasingly smaller proportion of the population.

The question is how can the elderly be given the same standard of care, whilst simultaneously using less NHS resources?

The solution

To solve the problem you need to find a previously untapped abundant workforce. One that's intelligent enough to be up to the task in hand, but not so intelligent that they expect to get paid a decent amount of money. One that's willing to care for a person in their own house, rather than in a hospital bed. Now the answer becomes obvious. Cats.

Yep, cats. I mean most old people have got one anyway, so they'd immediately be comfortable with their new carer. If you charge a small fee for basic NHS training for the cats, and introduce a three year renewable registration (like the one that already exists for nurses), then this scheme not only saves money, but it immediately starts generating revenue. Nursing homes could have lots of cats to look after their residents, or maybe just one big cat like a panther or leopard. This will have the added advantage of reducing burglaries of nursing homes, or at the very least stopping repeat offenders.

Now I know what you're saying, "Cats won't be able to do all the jobs, like giving Granny a bath, or fitting a stairlift for her". Well I'm not stupid, there will be some jobs that require non-feline carers. That's where the sheep come in.

Whereas the cats will be live-in help, the sheep are more analogous to district nurses. They can walk around from house to house (or use public transport where available) doing some of the more routine or water-based tasks. And the beauty of using sheep is that you only have to explain it to one, and the others will just do it. (check possible problem of sheep getting eaten when they're sent to nursing homes). One off jobs that require more intelligence than a sheep can muster, can be dealt with by the smaller number of orangutangs and babboons who will drive around in Ford Transits. With a toolbox in one hand and a flask of PG Tips in the other, these apes will be able to carry out the essential maintenence jobs, like adjusting the taps on the bath so that sheep can operate them.

Within a few years elderly health care could reach new heights. Once these radical concepts of animal nurses have proved themselves, then the zoos will want to become involved. Coachloads of pensioners could be brought in for luxury holidays. How better to show an elderly relativethat you care than by hiring a giraffe or an elephant as a birthday present. Maybe even a hippocratic hippo or a pandering panda.

So write to your local MP and tell them you want your gran to be looked after by a cat. She'll thank you for it one day.