Crisis in the Health Service
It's hardly a secret that the UK has, over several years, seen the gradual degredation of the standard of care
in the National Health Service. This is unsuprising in a system that relies so strongly on public funding, as
the percentage of elderly people in the country has risen sharply in recent years. The elderly are non-tax paying
and at greater risk of illness, whilst those who pay tax (of whom only a small percentage will work in a health
care related job) are becoming an increasingly smaller proportion of the population.
The question is
how can the elderly be given the same standard of care, whilst simultaneously using less NHS resources?
The solutionTo solve the problem you need to find a previously untapped abundant workforce.
One that's intelligent enough to be up to the task in hand, but not so intelligent that they expect to
get paid a decent amount of money. One that's willing to care for a person in their own house, rather
than in a hospital bed. Now the answer becomes obvious. Cats.
Yep, cats. I mean most old people have got one anyway, so they'd immediately be comfortable with their new carer.
If you charge a small fee for basic NHS training for the cats, and introduce a three year renewable
registration (like the one that already exists for nurses), then this scheme not only saves money, but
it immediately starts generating revenue. Nursing homes could have lots of cats to look after their
residents, or maybe just one big cat like a panther or leopard. This will have the added advantage of
reducing burglaries of nursing homes, or at the very least stopping repeat offenders.
Now I know what you're saying, "Cats won't be able to do all the jobs, like giving Granny a bath,
or fitting a stairlift for her". Well I'm not stupid, there will be some jobs that require
non-feline carers. That's where the sheep come in.
Whereas the cats will be live-in help, the sheep are more analogous to district nurses. They can walk
around from house to house (or use public transport where available) doing some of the more routine or
water-based tasks. And the beauty of using sheep is that you only have to explain it to one, and the
others will just do it. (check possible problem of sheep getting eaten when they're sent to nursing
homes). One off jobs that require more intelligence than a sheep can muster, can be dealt with by
the smaller number of orangutangs and babboons who will drive around in Ford Transits. With a toolbox
in one hand and a flask of PG Tips in the other, these apes will be able to carry out the essential
maintenence jobs, like adjusting the taps on the bath so that sheep can operate them.
Within a few years elderly health care could reach new heights. Once these radical concepts of animal
nurses have proved themselves, then the zoos will want to become involved. Coachloads of pensioners
could be brought in for luxury holidays. How better to show an elderly relativethat you care than by
hiring a giraffe or an elephant as a birthday present. Maybe even a hippocratic hippo or a pandering panda.
So write to your local MP and tell them you want your gran to be looked after by a cat. She'll thank you for
it one day.